Whaam, Baam, Thank You Ma'am

today

Wed, 23 Jun 2004 10:38:13 GMT

i like it as it is now

i like life as it is now

i like being happy, i like NOW not tomorrow or yesterday, i see it all today and i'm living for now

all my energy goes into today, i get a good nights sleep and release all my energy tomorrow, so everyday i'm trying to live life to that potential "full"

i want you to be happy, i want everyone to be happy, i try being happy and seeing that positive aspect of ideas and circumstances, so i shower you with my happiness hoping that i can cloud you over and some of my enjoyment will rub off onto you

i want to understand others, have that social awareness, i dont mean gossip or crap, i want to understand the mind, the body, the people

philosophy is so amazing. imagine yourself living for the rest of your life just being you, becoming famous (one day) just because you're not afraid to sprout your ideas and views, living knowing that everyday you will be right, there is no wrong. an occupation unbothered

if i can overcome the negative things -why am i constantly thinking that if i were gay, life would be so much easier? or would it really? wouldnt i just face those same circumstances i face now, or that lack of circumstances?

i like music

any music

but not classical, or too techno, or rap

but music is good-i like to dance

and who do you believe finds more pleasure in sex? the guy or the girl? (lauren, we'll see what others think on this topic)

meeooww

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 12:26:43 GMT

bah i dont know what's going on these days
i feel myself churning through life, tumbling like im in a washing machine
rumble
tumble
churning
im bored

i havent written in here for a while
it's weird, saying things to random readers over the internet and sometimes just wanting someone to know how i feel or sometimes just bored that i squeeze something out of my brain

im having fun
life is mysterious
holidays were unexplainable
music is beautiful
getting lost is an adventure
boys are cute
hmm...
experimenting is never too dangerous
make up is smelly but can be fun if you're not serious
dancing is relaxing
and i love having no braces!! i enjoy smiling so much more cause i now have teeth, no longer a giant shield of porcelain protrudents (if thats a word)
i enjoy being laid back and not caring

i like to giggle lots, cause when i havent giggled in a long time, i grow angry and then a good dose of laughter is all i need to get my tummy sore from chuckling

...

and blue boardshorts boy, if you're out there, i lament after you (as lauren would put it)

mmm i wish i was a little munchkin, actually that's kinda what i feel like, a mischievious munchkin, or evil gnome that goes around causing discreet havoc

my hero

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 11:38:31 GMT

LUKE! you are my beauty! you are my enjoyment! you are my hero!!
i want to cloud you with kisses as if they were rose petals which i could throw on top of your neatly styled hair! live n local was amazing!! thank you for saving me from the drunken 6ft and 7ft drunks in the mosh and holding me even when i must've smelt like mouldy pig and felt like a sweating human furnace!
if not for your care i would've been swept underneath the stomping mass of sweating feet and trampled all over!!!
and lauren and sarah and heather!! you are my angels!! sarah, welost you so many times but still you took me under your wing and made sure i got a good view!! and lauren, party animal who was by my side, if i had that chance again i would've planted a sloppy kiss on your right cheek during jebediah!! and heather, i hardly saw you all night but you took hold of me and let me share the minimal space beside you!
thanks guys! it's times like these i just feel really generous and wanna offer you gifts for your friendship

there's no stronger ship than friendship

i wanna get my ears pierced again and again and again and other places too and again and again...

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 14:12:01 GMT

all i feel like doing is moving really fast, like being able to live i fast forward mode but everyone else is still slow and keeping pace.
i just want school to finish, i want the day to finish, i want this journal to finish so i can get some bloody sleep
im tired, im stressed, im annoyed, im depressed
one day i'll say i love being independant and roaming the streets with good music and a back pack, other days i wish i was in love with a beautiful babe in shorts, today's one of those days...
ive been really good lately, feeling happy, smilin more... making new friends... new people i meet a lot and even though ive known them for 4 years... it's not until now that ive truly realised how beautiful some people are... and how much time ive wasted being scared to meet them, or being scared to be the first to say 'hi, hows it going?' i should do that more, i have been doing that more, im more open and friendly... i think thats a good thing...
friends are sweet....and fill me with a rich scent

let me float away

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 11:34:13 GMT

Sometimes I wanna be a part of the air, able to float through carefree and light
Like smoke as it travels into distant realms
Like the exotic flavours of burning incense
Like the dangerous wisps of grey cigarettes
Like the warmth of a newly brewed pot of tea
Like the chilling wind on a winter’s day
Like the musky breath of a newborn lover
Like... like what dreams are made of

gorgeous boy

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 06:28:05 GMT

you're such a gentle man,
a boy with such care, yet
behind your sweet, gentle
touch lies your hidden past-
a world i have not once yet
visited, though one i yearn
to be a part of. communication
we share little of but what
is said is my
t
r
e
a
s
u
r
e
.. i hope i mean more than just
a stranger to you because
already you're a part of my soul..
i dont know if what i feel is true. your smell wraps itself around my senses. am i yearning for your love? or am i yearning for any love? am i lonely in my boarded-up life-and you're the closest hero in my grasp?
solve my questions, give me answers. hold me in your arms and tell me what i really feel and what you feel with me
is it for real, or have i made up my own story and to you it'd just be an illusion...

infatuated

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 08:49:23 GMT

there's something really nifty about life... cause you look at it as a whole and it all looks like one stretch of repetition but when you break it down and analyse it, there's individual moments that are the best parts.
i feel like i've stepped into a new body-i no longer care, i've overlooked the bad parts and now.. my life looks sunnier and brighter than i could've expected.
today i giggled in little fits and it felt so good to laugh, i havent given my tum tum a good workout in so long and it's even better when no one knows what's going on in your insane little mind... even when you don't know yourself..
.
..
...
....
i think it's infatuation..

la la la
sweet melody by the fireplace
breathe in gentle fumes
comb your locks to dismal pleasure
sing me your lullaby

a bit of the miscellaneous stuff

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 12:11:32 GMT

KINGDOM OF TREASURE AND UNICORN OF LIGHT, I PICK MY PUMPKIN HIGH IN SEASON, GREEN ORANGE AND RIPE

humans are the faith in which we step ourselves but immortality is the mystery which we really hide inside...

if he walks by again and chances at the doorstep of her soul, he will find abandonment and emptiness. nothing, barreness. and always denying, rejecting, forgiving, yet never forgetting. yet if he searches he may find within the depths of darkness, she's harbouring and preserving an unforgotten pain...

sweet rose california
sweet smiles by my nose
painted nails and a hippy skirt
pelican, take my baby home.
cranberry juice, berry blossom
just like that peaches n' cream
sitting on my fat ass all day
cause then that baby can't scream
no i dont want that fuckin baby to scream!

REPTILELIKE WE HUMANS SINK CLOSE TO THE GROUND, MIRED IN THE MUD OF OUR ANIMAL NATURE AND THE MUCK OF OUR CULTURAL PREJUDICES. YET, LIKE BIRDS, WE ARE ALSO OF THE SPIRIT, CAPABLE OF SOARING IN THE HEAVENS, TRANSCENDING OUR NARROW-MINDEDNESS AND SINFUL PROCLIVITIES. OUR TASK IS TO COME TO TERMS WITH OUR DRAGONHOOD...
>rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summers day, listening to the murmue of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky is by no means a waste of time
>nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance.

WHAT YOU FEEL YOU CREATE, WHAT YOU SEE YOU ATTRACT, WHAT YOU IMAGINE YOU BECOME

mysteries

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 11:05:17 GMT

im really ... what's the word? edgy? when it comes to guys, like i dont know the actions im meant to portray, its this mystery like a black cloud im yet to overcome. i let go of liking guys for a while, and had that often crush every so and again, but never got into the total infatuated mood, and i liked it like that, cause liking a guy ruins everything for me-i thik about them, like them, and dont act myself, im such an idiot around guys and i just like being in a friendly mood. but when i get into this giant crush it's so stupid! i hate liking a guy cause im not in a dating mood, i just wanna have fun, but it's like, hey-if i just wanna have fun i'll never date my whole life cause i'll be warding guys off with my loss of committment.

i dont know if i like a guy now-everythings a bit iffy cause one day things are bright and you feel like your life's totally under control in the palm of your hand, and next thing, everything vanishes and it's all a puzzle-half of me wants to go somewhere with a guy, and half of me is happy being that independant women who relies on no one and takes her own path.

you know, ive found that guys are the best kind of friends you can have cause they've got that laid back sense of attitude where they take nothing seriously-and i love that with people, but then once im in the friend mood, i destroy it by developing that insignificant crush and i dont know how to deal with it. should i confront the guy? or just ignore these deep feelings bubbling inside of me? i think the best approach is always to be straight forward and not bother about petty secrets, but im always scared of rejection-that emotion that just kicks negativity straight to my head. but i spose life's not a whole bundle of candy ey?

hmm and so it begins

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 10:39:04 GMT

this is such a crock of shit, i just typed up a whole entry and it deleted it-geez, even better to add to the misery of tonights dilemma, i mean eep-i never expected myself to be opening up to anyone and now all of a sudden im posting my life out to the public eye which is a giant step further than expected and i dont know if i can say what i want, i dont expect anyone to read all my loads of mouldy poo cause it most likely makes no relevant sense to themselves or myself, .. i feel myself being more and more of a mystery to others, like slowly and gradually im slipping into the shadows and moving myself away from society, and blocking everything out.

last year i went into this crazy bout of depression cause i felt like the misfit puzzlepiece that had nowhere to go or slot in, and maybe i just imagined it, but i seriously felt like that and all of a sudden it's come back again this year without my consent, and i think that's my main reason for wanting to be alone, or not necessarily WANTING, but just being and wandering off alone, entertaining myself with my own time and not having to worry about entertaining others. like, ive totally changed, my views and opinions, my actions, im no longer scared of being alone at home, or on the bus, or at the movies, i've stepped forward and it's like im a wandering spirit waiting for that right place to settle upon, a bee trying to find the sweetest flower where it can nuzzle and appreciate the best things, but i constantly feel like theres nothing in my life, like im living in a prison, barricaded off from the world and society. no matter how far i travel, i can't escape from this... snow globe im trapped in. i can see out and they can see in, but i can never quite reach the sunnier side where the grass is greener and my life could be more satisfying. maybe i just dont make life satisfying enough, or maybe im just too negative, but does that come from being in the wrong place at the totally wrong time??

everything pisses me off, people, home, objects, society-i just have a problem with society, not someone specific, not an individual, its just my own problem with the world, i just wanna dig a hole and migrate underground and live in a whole new universe. i dont know what sets me off, i just get angry, and i dont want people to think that if i go off i'm not moving away from them, im just trying to figure myself out, following my mind and my legs just take me places. one day im gonna pack a bag and hike outta here, travel, meet gorgeous people, do outrageous things and just... experience life cause anyday, anday im gonna die and death's gonna hit me flat out and i'd have lived this spasticated life trapped in a minute room with a computer.

my parents-now they're a major contribution to all this crap, i feel like a giant pot of stew that's just gonna explode and boil over one day-bubbling slowly inside, and it's all gonna add up and who knows what'll happen. my parents are the biggest losers-no matter what i say or do i still cant make them appreicate my existence, my work, my ambitions-they hate how i dress, how i do my hair, they hate the people i hang out with, the way i talk, the way i wanna live life, my dreams they crush, i dont know what the fuck im meant to do to at least earn a supportive comment from them. what puzzles me is how 2 people can have 3 children so totally opposite to them?!?! my sister is like a beautiful greenie promoting what she believes in and being a total inspiration, my brother's a yuppie and turning more into my dad every day, while I.... i don't know where i go, i think i'm turning into my sister more and more day by day, i look like her, we dress the same.. think the same.. and that's totally cool but it bloody pisses me off when my dad says shit like-you don't wanna end up like your sister! look what your brother's doing! be like him and go to uni so you can get a good job and earn a living!-i mean so what if i wanna drop out and backpack across the lands on earth and lose contact with society?? so what if i wanna get a tattoo and dreads? at home i feel like it's no different to school-i feel like im living at a boarding school where i have to follow their rules:

-only one night of entertainment per week
-no expressing my own opinion
-no drawing on myself because i "look bad to others"-so my dad thinks
-no privacy-on the net, in my room, on the phone
sometimes i even have to dress how my mum wants me to-i dont know how ive existed in this household for so long already-i already feel like im gonna explode and just blow up at them

one day when lauren had drawn this giant swirl pattern all over my hand my dad started blowing up at me about how it looked "disgusting, disgusting DISGUSTING" and cause his vocabulary has no extensions-he kept on repeating disgusting and i could've slapped him straight across the mouth, but he rambled on about all this shit about what other people'd think if i got a tat, and not being able to get a job and shit, and i explained that it was JUST PEN! but he kept on saying this shit about what people in socety think of you and then he turned into the biggest dick and started saying this shit about how gays used to never be accepted in society and were called "animals" but now they're allowed to get married and he thinks it's "disgusting" and that's when i totally lost control, and for the most stupid reason i started crying, because i was so outraged at the fact that my parents were BOTH homophobes and the most narrow-minded straightest uptight losers i had ever met and i couldn't live with them-that night i seriously contemplated on moving out, and when i cried i couldn't control it and my dad just kept on rambling on and on, and i got this vibe from him, as if he felt satisfied that i was crying cause it showed him that he was more powerful than me and i would eventually have to listen to him-i can't wait till im 18 and i can finally let go of this joint